Fear and Parenting – When Fear Takes Over & What It Means to Lead with Love

How global uncertainty shows up at home – and how our responses shape the emotional climate our children grow up in

How often do you notice fear quietly running your thoughts, your reactions, your days? How often do you catch yourself worrying – about your children, your parenting, your country or the world right now – instead of being with what’s actually in front of you?

And how often do you notice yourself reacting in ways you didn't feel good about after?

Fear isn’t always obvious. Quite often it’s just an uneasy feeling in the body. But it has a big influence on how we think, how we respond, and how we move through our lives without us even realising it.

Living in a climate of fear

Over the new year's break, I spent a bit of time completely offline at a retreat, with all devices turned off. No screens, no news, no social media, no messages – just an emergency landline number.

Phew. Not easy as a parent, and a pretty rare experience in a world of 24/7 reachability and information overload. It took time for my body to relax into not being able to check the phone.

When I turned my it back on afterwards, I was met with some pretty dire news headlines and an even bleaker state of the world than before. And I could feel, almost instantly, how that energy landed in my body.

Fear does that. It makes us clench, overanalyse, speed up, and it pulls us out of the present moment.

When our nervous systems stay in a state of ongoing alert, it affects how we think, how we feel, and how we relate – not just to the world, but to the people closest to us. We become less patient, less open, less trusting. Less able to meet life with curiosity and joy, even when a lighter, more carefree way of being is what we long for.

How fear shows up in family life

This isn’t just something we see playing out globally. I see the same pattern every day in my work with parents. So many mothers and fathers carry a constant undercurrent of worry around their kids – about school, friendships, behaviour, teenage phases, toddler tantrums, and about whether they’re doing a “good enough” job as parents. Beneath so many conversations there’s always this subtle question: Is my child OK?

Fear and parenting: Is my child OK?

Worrying about our children is part and parcel of parenthood. It’s natural – especially for us mums (and yes, dads, I know you worry too). Our fears come from a caring place.

But when worry becomes excessive, ongoing, and stays stuck in the body – as tension, anxiety, or a constant sense of unease – it can begin to shape how we show up, often without us realising it. That’s when we slip into managing and controlling – and connection to our loved ones starts to suffer.

Often, this isn’t a conscious choice. It’s a protective part of us stepping in, trying to keep things under control when things feel uncertain or overwhelming.

But who likes to feel controlled? Do you? Does anyone?

Our children certainly don’t.

And they respond in all sorts of ways – withdrawing, anxiously complying, pushing back, or acting out – not because they’re difficult, but because they’re responding to the emotional climate around them.

Before long, family life can start to feel tense. Small things escalate quickly – not because anyone is doing anything wrong, but because our nervous systems are constantly reacting to one another.

And this is where children become overwhelmed.

Developmentally, they can’t regulate their nervous systems on their own. They rely on us – the grown-ups – to help them feel safe and soothed. Which is why learning to tend to our own stress and fears – and to come back to calm – matters so much.

Not just for our own wellbeing – but for theirs.

Staying in the heart as an embodied choice

This is why staying in the heart matters so much to me – not as a woo-woo concept, but as a deeply practical, embodied practice.

Staying in the heart means noticing when fear has taken the wheel, and returning to the ourselves: Out of the monkey mind, out of the loop of spiralling thoughts and back into the body. Back to the breath. Back into the moment that is actually here – rather than the catastrophic futures our minds are so quick to create.

Being in the heart isn’t an abstract state. It’s what allows us to foster love in real ways – not as something we “long for”, in the romantic Hollywood sense, but as something we live and practise in the moments that matter.

Love in everyday moments

Coming back to love doesn’t mean forcing positivity or pretending everything is fine. It actually often looks kind of ordinary.  

It might be learning to pause before you react, so you can choose a conscious response.

It could be just listening your child and validating their feelings, instead of dealing out advice or minimizing their struggles.

Or it’s meeting the people around you – at home, at work, in your neighbourhood – with a little more compassion and a little less impatience.

It also means allowing what’s already here inside you. Letting feelings be felt – fear, sadness, anger, grief – without judging them or trying to push them away. When we allow our emotions to move through instead of resisting them, they soften and pass more easily. It’s amazing how much inner space this creates – for clarity, connection, and choice.

Start from where you actually have influence

For those wondering how all this is possible when there is so much hatred, aggression, and polarisation playing out through leaders and systems right now – this isn’t about approving of what’s happening “out there”.

It’s about remembering where your influence actually lives.

Most of us don’t control global politics. But we do shape the emotional climate of our families, our friendships, and our communities every single day. That’s where love becomes tangible – not as an abstract idea, but as a lived experience.

Because in this moment – without denying real danger or uncertainty – we can still choose to stay connected rather than collapse into fear.

That doesn’t mean the world is safe, fair, or predictable. It means that right now, we don’t have to let fear decide how we speak, how we act, or how we show up with the people closest to us.

And if more of us made that choice – even in small, ordinary moments – the atmosphere of our homes, our communities, and yes, even the world at large, could begin to shift.

Change doesn’t always begin with big revolutions. Sometimes it begins in individual moments of choice.

So someone has to start. Why not you?

Choosing loving kindness

This is how I intend to keep living – in my private life, in my parenting, and in my work as a coach. Not by denying fear, but by not letting it dominate. Not by disengaging from the world, but by staying human within it.

Love is quieter than fear. But it is also stronger.

And every time we return to it – within ourselves, with our children, in our communities – we create a different ripple.

One moment at a time.

Michelle Carstens is a conscious parenting and relationship coach based in Munich. She supports parents, couples, and individuals in understanding how stress, fear, and early childhood experiences shape their reactions and relationships — and in finding more calm, connection, and presence in everyday life. Michelle works online and in person in Munich.